Fall ‘07

(Or this one from later in that same year… I was a bit of a defeatist asshole at some point… And I think this is around the time I started to over-commatize everything…)

My mom expects me to believe that none of this is my fault. Just the idea is laughable. How can you say that anyone has had more impact on the failure that is my life up to this point than me? The answer is no one. Now, I don’t constantly find myself mired in self-loathing. Rather, more often than not, I’m completely apathetic about my choices whether wrong or right. I just find that no matter how much I know I should care, or feel I need to care, it just isn’t there. Everyone’s life is supposed to be a journey, and some of the people I know have had some sort of positive life-changing event that completely altered their perspective on life. Sadly, I can’t seem to find that story in my heart. I have a feeling that I’m not the only one. The only honesty I could put to this paper from my soul is to try to discover the reason(s) that I or anyone could ever be this way. I wasn’t always this way. If my mom is right, and it’s not my fault, then where does this come from? And why?

It’s easy to blame myself for all of my problems and shortcomings. Easier than blaming anyone else, which is odd. I don’t mean that I shouldn’t take responsibility for my actions and mistakes, I don’t mean that. I mean to say that it’s an easy out to just blame myself and add more and more to this weight that I find myself carrying around each day. One of the many reasons is that am easily distracted. I have been diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. I find myself drifting away from the task at hand, and more often than not, never coming back. In seventh grade I was a bit of a loner. Though surrounded by the same group of compatriots that I had known since I first walked the halls of the fabled Westwood Baptist Church pre-school facility, I didn’t feel like I really knew anybody. My only real friends were my peers in band class. Music is a complete ‘out’ for me because there are no rules. Anything can and invariably does happen in music. My classmates and I knew this, and we loved it.

I come from a broken home. I make no excuses for this, lots of people have come from far worse and achieved far greater than I could ever hope to achieve at this point in my life. Nonetheless, it is a clear contributing factor to the way I feel about life, love, and whatever else in the world can’t be defined by life or love. If my parents hadn’t gotten divorced and my father hadn’t moved away so that I could only see him for a weekend every two weeks, perhaps I would be a completely different person. Perhaps I would be the same, but I doubt it. I think I would be able to ride a bike, at least. Oh, and I would probably be able to actually and truly feel love.

I know I am loved. I know that there are people that love me. There are people that I love. I just don’t feel loved. I can’t let myself trust it. If Dad could look Mom right in the face and say that he loved her, then go on a business trip and cheat on her, then how is that any different than either of them looking at me and saying the same thing? I wish I could relate this paranoia solely to my parents, but alas, I cannot. I can’t trust anybody. In my own romantic ‘escapades’ I’ve found it comes up time and time again, and each time I fail at not being an idiot, and if its not my fault then surely it could be my father’s, right? I’m not sure where so I can’t quote it, but in the Bible I’m sure it says something about the sins of the father are put upon the son. I’m pretty sure its something like that. Of course, this fits in with my mother’s argument, since she only seems to blame everything on my father. I mean, sure, he did a horrible thing, but… he’s my dad.

I wish he’d been around to help me do my homework. Maybe then I would have had some incentive to do it. Maybe I wouldn’t have repeated the seventh grade. Maybe I wouldn’t have lost all my friends who moved on and forgot about me. I don’t even see them but maybe a couple of times a year. Which is about as often as I see my dad. Though still more often than I see my supposed Heavenly Father.

Through the course of my entire life, I may have seen three examples of the Hand of God at work. The beauty of the sights and sounds of nature at peace. The calm stillness of absolute quiet, except for my own heartbeat. And the fleeting feeling of complete peace and happiness when you hold a sleeping baby in your arms, knowing that, for that moment, you are the entire world to her. That feeling of so much potential and unconditional love. Just wrapped up into a little ball with a mouth and a diaper. If only they could stay that way. Now I sound like my grandparents. Remembering how sweet we all were as babies, and using those memories to fuel a love for us during those oh-so trying holidays. Isn’t that what we all do, though, use our memories as a Rosetta Stone to translate emotion from page to screen? Cause after all, at heart, we’re all just really bad actors. Never able to keep our emotions very far under the surface.

So maybe my mom is right. Just maybe this time she knows what she’s talking about. Perhaps its not all my fault. I could just be a product of my circumstances that were out of my control. Which is probably a more dangerous way to look at life. Well at least I can always remember the times I failed on my own. Unless I only failed because that’s how I was raised? Wow, thanks a lot life…

StrengthsQuest ‘07

(The following was written for a college project in the Fall of 2007. Its like a snapshot of who I was at the time. I read it now and I feel like I don’t recognize the person its describing.)

The results of my StrengthsQuest survey seem to describe parts of me fairly accurately. Upon first glance it may not appear so, but after reading the full description they struck me as very much a part of who I am as not only a student, but also as a person. My themes, from highest to lowest, are as follows: Strategic; Adaptability; Ideation; Communication; Command.

I think the theme that fits me best is Strategic. The site describes a strategic person as someone who can easily find patterns and paths in solving a problem. When looking for a specific solution, I can see the many different ways to get to that solution and decipher for myself (or others) the best path based on all of the possible outcomes of those paths. I know as I am typing this that I can pick and choose the words which are most likely to ensure maximum knowledge transference. Just this afternoon a friend and I were playing ‘The Movie Game’ and I found myself thinking several steps ahead in an unnecessary number of directions from each actor to movie, etc. It becomes a good bit easier to win, though it does feel at times as though I’m cheating by using my latent mutant abilities to score. I hate coming out of a movie, or reading a book, and thinking about all of the divergent storylines that detract my attention from the main thread. Not that it becomes confusing, but because I’ve usually already deciphered the codes and disarmed the bombs in my head, so why can’t the characters just get it done a little faster? Exclamation point. I know it seems as though I may be complaining about these scenarios, however I smugly sit with a sick smile of self-satisfaction at the conclusion that I am just much quicker than those around me, but…. not in a bad way?

My second theme, Adaptability, I’m having a slight dispute with myself over. It supposedly means that I live in the moment. I guess that’s true, but mostly because I would end up having an anxiety attack if I really felt any pressure to do anything in regards to my future before the last minute. Its not so much that I’m not concerned with my future, or that I don’t care, as it is that I know that time is fluid and all the worrying I do about my choices and second-guessing myself would be more likely to come back to haunt me than the actual choices and last-minute calls I have to make. Luckily, paired with Strategic, I should be able to find my way back on to the right track and get back to work.

I think that the second and third strengths were accidentally loaded in the wrong order on the page, because it seems that Ideation fits me much better. People with Ideation are always looking for obscure connections. Not just obscure connections like Kevin Conroy (the voice of Batman on Batman: TAS) and Christopher Reeve (Superman) were roommates at Julliard, which is true, but also connections in life and in other ideas and beliefs. Well, at least that’s how the site says it. I hear Ideation and immediately I’m hit with the word ‘Idea’. An Idea is a beautiful thing. It is the world at its most pure state. Until someone tries to bring an Idea into a reality, it can neither be proven nor discredited. It can only be believed. Faith is an Idea. Love is an Idea. Apparently a satisfactory third movie in a Marvel movie franchise is an Idea. I get up each day and as I walk from one class to the next, I have all these brilliant Ideas that, until I get them onto paper, are completely infallible. I suppose I could make some connection here between Adaptability and Ideation, because the Ideas all seem to be so great at the time, but upon further reflection fall apart. I don’t think I need to do that, though I guess I just did, didn’t I?

The longer I let these thoughts sit with me, the more I begin to agree with all five of them. Even if I may not agree with the order they were given, it doesn’t matter, because as an Adaptable human being I am in a constant state of flux. I may not necessarily agree with all of the points given for each either, but I’ve decided to just sit back and watch myself this semester and see if maybe I just wasn’t watching the whole show all this time. Perhaps I’ve just been waiting for me to get to the good parts.

…

just… yea…

The Swine Flu Rap Song

Is it just me or is this awesome despite itself?

I saw this on the local TV station and both my roommate and I immediately dropped what we were doing. Mouths agape. I don’t know if any of you have seen this before but I’d say its worth at least a second look if you have.

The H1N1 Rap was written, composed, produced, and performed by John D. Clarke, MD, FAAFP.

… he has one about diabetes as well…

SicknTired

Why does it have to be like this?

Why do I seem to always have to get so pissed?

I don’t want to have to ball my fists

And back-to-back react over things I’ve missed.

Why can’t you just tell me what’s going on?

Instead of circling around and trying to carry on.

Starting to make me feel like I’m just carion,

Feel like at the end of the night, I’ll have to bury one.

Somebody better get a hold of me

Before I get me a hold of somebody

Time passes, let’s kick some asses

I’m tired of sitting around here waiting for you

 

Why does it have to be like this?

I get pissed and I barbecue to slit my wrists

Take time to boil over as I stop to reminisce

I wake up and I dream of the death of a kiss

Somebody better get a hold of me

Before I get me a hold of somebody

Time passes, let’s kick some asses

I’m tired of sitting around here waiting for you

 

I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired of waiting

Debating over whether or not I should be hating you

Song I Wish I’d Written #1

Waiting For My Real Life To Begin – Colin Hay

Any minute now, my ship is coming in
I’ll keep checking the horizon
I’ll stand on the bow, feel the waves come crashing
Come crashing down, down, down, on me

And you say, be still my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in
But don’t you understand
I already have a plan
I’m waiting for my real life to begin

When I awoke today, suddenly nothing happened
But in my dreams, I slew the dragon
And down this beaten path, and up this cobbled lane
I’m walking in my old footsteps, once again
And you say, just be here now
Forget about the past, your mask is wearing thin
Let me throw one more dice
I know that I can win
I’m waiting for my real life to begin

Any minute now, my ship is coming in
I’ll keep checking the horizon
And I’ll check my machine, there’s sure to be that call
It’s gonna happen soon, soon, oh so very soon
It’s just that times are lean

And you say, be still my love
Open up your heart, let the light shine in
Don’t you understand
I already have a plan
I’m waiting for my real life to begin

Mystery Team Adventures: The Case of the Haunted Hotel

There’s a full-length movie of this. See more at http://mysteryteam-movie.com/

we were drinking…

BBC

so here’s some weirtarded music we came up with a couple of years ago that i wanted to just get out there… and because i don’t really like the first couple of lines of that last post and i’m tired of seeing them

One

You’re trapped in my heart.

I can’t escape.

Everywhere I look I see your face.

Everything I think and everything I see, brings pain to every part of me.

I still feel you.

I smell you on my clothes, and eveything I hear

reminds me of your smile

and threatens to bring a tear.

It’s just as I feared, there’s no rest for the weary.

I tried to call to God for help, but he couldn’t hear me.

He can’t heal me.

Deal me another deck, because this hand that I was holding was folded and     I’m a wreck.

You used to keep me in check.

Now, keep me in line.

I’ll be doing just fine as soon as I fully realize that you’ll never be mine.

I crossed the line.

It’s my fault.

You said that it was nobody’s fault, which means its my fault.

What did I do?

I just wish I knew, so that maybe I could find a way to make it up to you.

So that we could be together like you said that we would be.

It seems like the only thing I did wrong was being me.

I loved you madly.

You hurt me badly, and now I can’t think of any reason you would want to have me.

You were just a kid, and I have come undone.

You were just looking for some fun.

I was looking for some one.

finico

fool
i was a fool to think
never should have thought there would ever be anything
if i could walk away, this
cancer will die today
of hunger for the way that you look at me

bold
under a cloud of hate
remember all the times that we laughed and we tried in vain
remember the sudden pain, when
ours was gone away
while gently throwing stones at your window pane

and i hear you
when i see you
i quickly turn inside
my heart i have to hide
again
no matter what i can’t win

never
in my wildest dreams
could i have imagined such a beautifully tragic thing
only one i can see, this
love was a lie to me
even in the best of my wildest dreams

some times everybody’s pitiful
heart ache never is enough
now i’m closed, only lonely everyday
built up running, right or wrong

and i feel you
when i see you
i quickly turn inside
my heart i have to hide
again
no matter what i can’t win

we’re just friends…